not an easy subject

Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I'm struggling. So many of my friends and family members are either having babies or have just had babies recently, and while I'm happy for them, it's not easy for me. Ross and I wanted our kids to be roughly 2 years apart (and before you judge, remember that I didn't have a child until I was 25), so I went off birth control last summer. It took us a few months to get pregnant with Gabe, but not this long. We've been wanting/trying to get pregnant for 11+ months now, and although I try to put on a strong face, it's really starting to wear me down. I went to my OB/GYN and they put me on Clomid for a while, but because I didn't get pregnant within a certain amount of time, they took me off of it and sent me to a fertility specialist. I scheduled an appointment for the next available date, which was a few weeks away, but when that day rolled around I just couldn't do it. I called and canceled. It would've been a $240 consultation visit, and I was terrified that I'd walk away from that visit with no answers. I know that Heavenly Father has it all worked out, but here I am, 11 months later, wondering what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe what I'm not doing right? I don't know. I just know that I'm sad. My heart wants another child, to give Gabe a sibling, to fill our lives with more chaos and joy. I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to remember that I'm not in control. I don't know what the future brings, and maybe that's why I'm left doubting. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I was brought to this earth to "become a righteous mother in Israel." Well, I really hope Gabe won't be the only child to help me fulfill that, because heaven knows I've screwed up a lot. He's the first child... most oldest children are lucky to survive childhood as their parents figure out how to be parents. I wish I could wave a magic wand and know why we haven't been able to conceive. I wish that my faith was strong enough to keep me from doubting.

Every day that passes, I watch my sweet son and feel gratitude that he is ours. I'm grateful that I can hold him and sing with him and be his mommy. My love for him is so intense, and I just hope I'm given the opportunity to share that love again. I guess time will tell...



family update

Things happen quickly in our family, so here's a little update. We were in Virginia for most of April visiting family (Ross' entire family and my sister and her fam) and we had so much fun! It's hard not living closer to them, so when we're there, we really make the most of it. I still need to download pics, so once I do, I'll post them. Ross and I spent our anniversary and his birthday out there, which also happened to be Easter Sunday this year. It was nice to be with his family for a few celebrations, especially since Grammy was very willing to take Gabe for a couple days so Ross and I could go to the beach for our anniversary. Virginia Beach is only 2 hours away from his parent's house, so it made for a nice getaway for us. We went to the aquarium and visited the naval base just up the road from our hotel. We also made a quick stop at the HUGE outlet mall in Williamsburg, and I was glad Ross brought an extra suitcase to pack with all the stuff we acquired during our visit:) Ross wasn't able to be with us the entire time Gabe and I were there because of work... which leads me to my next update...

So, remember how Ross is an incredible tenor and graduated in Music Education? And remember how he did his student teaching at a middle school and really didn't like it? And the starting teacher salary for Utah is a whopping $26K... pretty unbelievable, eh? Well, Ross was working at Pinnacle Security to pay the bills until he could find a teaching job, but Pinnacle was really holding him back and he wasn't happy with what he was doing. He'd come home with headaches every day and he didn't love going to work. We prayed about his job situation, and while we were in the midst of the storm, we received a great offer that was the silver lining we needed. Does this logo/name look familiar?

My dad is the owner of Stratus Insurance, and he offered Ross a job doing some product marketing. Ross has had quite a bit of experience making sales and being on the phone and working with people, and he is overall just a very trustworthy person. Well, the product he's been marketing is doing really well, and he's catching on to the whole insurance thing quickly. In fact, he had 5 days to study for his insurance exam (which is very difficult and something that people usually study for for weeks or months), and he passed it on the first try! I was so proud of him when I got that phone call (since I was in VA). He likes his work environment and his coworkers, and he's really enjoying the work he's doing at Stratus. My biggest fear with Ross taking the job was that I thought he would be wasting his incredible talent in music. I know he loves singing and performing, and I didn't want him to take a job to pay the bills NOW and then regret that choice twenty years down the road. However, Ross has realized that he can work at Stratus and still be involved in music. There are auditions for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir this summer, as well as auditions for the Salt Lake Choral Artists. In fact, the SLCA has gone to several international choir competitions and come home with a handful of 1st place prizes. So basically, Ross will still be involved in music. He'll still be able to feed his desire for performance while also providing for his family, and I'm very proud of him for making the decision he did. It was not an easy one, but our prayers have definitely been answered!

And speaking of prayers being answered...

... we're moving!!! It's actually not a big deal since we're just moving upstairs, but it was a miracle for us. We're in a 2 bedroom apartment right now, and we're REALLY needing more space. Gabe's room is stuffed to the gills (largely due to his teensy closet), and our master bedroom is also a studio and an office. I despise moving, and although we looked at some houses, we realized that we're not quite to the point where we can buy yet... but we need more space! Just last week I told Ross "the only way we're moving is if one of our three neighbors moves out of their 3 bedroom apartment." Well, just last week I saw our upstairs neighbor carrying several boxes. To make a long story short, she's due in July with her 3rd child and refuses to haul 3 kids up and down the stairs. They're moving to another building in our same complex and we're moving into their apartment on June 1st! Our manager didn't even have the apartment up for availability when I called to tell her we wanted it, so we're re-signing our lease and we'll have 1450 square feet in 2 weeks! I am SO excited to have more space, MUCH bigger closets, an extra bedroom, and nobody above us:) Our prayers were heard and they've definitely been answered, and for that I am so grateful.

Now you're updated and now I'll end this painfully long post (thanks for sticking with me...). Until next time, amici!