5.26.2011

not an easy subject

Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I'm struggling. So many of my friends and family members are either having babies or have just had babies recently, and while I'm happy for them, it's not easy for me. Ross and I wanted our kids to be roughly 2 years apart (and before you judge, remember that I didn't have a child until I was 25), so I went off birth control last summer. It took us a few months to get pregnant with Gabe, but not this long. We've been wanting/trying to get pregnant for 11+ months now, and although I try to put on a strong face, it's really starting to wear me down. I went to my OB/GYN and they put me on Clomid for a while, but because I didn't get pregnant within a certain amount of time, they took me off of it and sent me to a fertility specialist. I scheduled an appointment for the next available date, which was a few weeks away, but when that day rolled around I just couldn't do it. I called and canceled. It would've been a $240 consultation visit, and I was terrified that I'd walk away from that visit with no answers. I know that Heavenly Father has it all worked out, but here I am, 11 months later, wondering what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe what I'm not doing right? I don't know. I just know that I'm sad. My heart wants another child, to give Gabe a sibling, to fill our lives with more chaos and joy. I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to remember that I'm not in control. I don't know what the future brings, and maybe that's why I'm left doubting. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I was brought to this earth to "become a righteous mother in Israel." Well, I really hope Gabe won't be the only child to help me fulfill that, because heaven knows I've screwed up a lot. He's the first child... most oldest children are lucky to survive childhood as their parents figure out how to be parents. I wish I could wave a magic wand and know why we haven't been able to conceive. I wish that my faith was strong enough to keep me from doubting.

Every day that passes, I watch my sweet son and feel gratitude that he is ours. I'm grateful that I can hold him and sing with him and be his mommy. My love for him is so intense, and I just hope I'm given the opportunity to share that love again. I guess time will tell...

*T

10 comments:

Megan said...

(((hugs))) to you Triest! Such a heartwrenching thing to be living with. I pray that you will find the answers you seek soon. It is hard when we feel we are in the dark and can't see what the Lord has planned for us and our lives- I know your pain will be healed! That doesn't make it easier to feel, but know that our prayers are with your family. Miss you guys!

Summers Camp said...

I feel for you dear! Try not to worry about the spacing. But, I know how hard it is to want a baby when you can't have one... You're a good mom, nothing is wrong with you. You're not being punished and you're not broken. It really is in the Lord's timing. So take (t)his time to really enjoy the child you do have, and prepare yourself for your future children :) Good luck to us both! *B

The Harrison Crew said...

I hope things work out for you soon, sweetie...

P.S. Your family is adorable.
P.P.S. Who knows why certain things happen at certain times. I had given up on getting married, and boom! It happened at nearly 28. Same for kids & boom! Had a baby at 30. (I freak out a little at having kids soon, since I really don't want to have them in my forties, so I somewhat feel your pain...things will work out for you guys. I know they will.)

Violet Rose said...

Triest, I LOVE you!! I am so sorry you're in so much pain right now. I admire your strength and your ability to trust in the Lord. He does have a plan for you and He is mindful of all you are feeling. My sister is going through the same thing and it hard to see her struggle with the righteous desires of her heart not being granted. It will happen. IT WILL!! Keep trusting in the Lord. You are amazing and I LOVE YOU!

Lara said...

My heart hurts for you. Fertility struggles are such a tender tender thing aren't they? :( I remember it all too well.... I know sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Those questions of "whats wrong with me" are so hard to bury.

Things will work out the way heavenly father has planned. There are no words of comfort anyone can really offer. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. You really are such a good mom and heavenly father will bless you with more babies, they need to come down to good homes!

I know it's so hard to watch others go through pregnancy and have babies. It made me so sad and frustrated. All the doubts and questions just kept welling up. But I really learned through my experiences that, although I might not understand why, there is a reason, a lesson to be learned, and a "right time". Going through this trial will make your next pregnancy so special and tender to you. That baby will be so cherished. You guys are in our prayers! love you.

Betsy said...

Hey Triest, after reading that post I would love to give you some great, easy-fix advice, but there is none. The ONLY way I have ever known to get through any trial/tribulation/testing of our faith, etc. is to lean on the Lord's goodness. He is a good God who wants good things for His children. We just don't always understand what the good may look like when it's not exactly the way we planned. I pray that God will give you strength when you are weak, comfort you and give you a peace that passes all understanding. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight." Prov. 3:5-6
I love you Triest and will be praying for you, Ross and baby Gabey. ~Bets

Kaeloni said...

I am so sorry! You are a great mother!! I really hope you know that I'm here. If you need some time alone, I can take the little guy, if you need a shoulder to cry on I'm here! Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Melissa Nielsen said...

oh Triest....know that we love you, and the Lord is ever mindful of His children. It took a little longer to get pregnant with our third and she has definitely been worth the wait. And what a blessing she has been to us to come when she did. We love you and are praying for you.

Courtney said...

I love you Triest! I know you're a great mother and will be able to handle anything thrown your way. I know this will all work out in the end and you'll be a mother to many (but not too many!) more children....after all, Gabe is the cutest...how could there NOT be more little Gabe's running around?!

Hannah said...

I don't know why I am just reading this post... but anyway, I do know the heartache that comes from wanting something really badly and not having it; from having a righteous desire and not seeing it come to fruition. But I also know that He hears you and He hears me.

I love your prego belly :)